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02:50pm 01/12/2005
  well...im updating...yay me...I have a job, I work at Target, exciting right? Its actually not that bad. I actually like it. I have a cell phone, for those of you who didnt know, my number is 7346246173...so call me ok? I wanna know how all my friends are doing and I want everyone to know that I am still alive and that I'm functioning, though, barely without my mom. I know that a lot of you have been worried about me, because I haven't really reached out to any of you, and I'm sorry about that. I just needed to be alone for a while, to just deal. But I do wanna see you guys now, and I would really love it if you would call or something, because over the last 9 months, I've pulled away, and I wanna be back in the loop of things I guess, I have a car now, so just let me know whats up, and I'll be there.

And Brinny, sorry I couldn't make it to your little get together, I had to work all that weekend, because it was after thanksgiving, so I'm really sorry...

To all my other friends, I love you guys so much, and I miss you more then anything, just remember that ok. I wanna see you guys again, I haven't seen some of you in forever. I love you guys, always.

(whisper my name)

02:50pm 04/06/2005
  hey guys i have a new sn and cell phone number, if you want to get a hold of me, you can call anytime, the number is 73462461763. and my new sn is babydoll82401. :) get a hold of me somehow.  

(whisper my name)

05:33pm 08/05/2005
  So, today is mothers day. And it has been one hell of a day. We went to visit my mom today, me my sister and my stepdad. It was so hard. I couldnt help but cry. I miss my mom so much. It gets harder and harder every day just to go on. I dont think theres a day that goes by that I dont think about her. I love her and miss her. Sooo very much...But I gotta go. Im going home...  

(1 silent scream | whisper my name)

06:58pm 17/03/2005
  I miss my mom. I wish there was something else I could say. But there isn't. I miss her so much everyday and it really sucks. I just want to pick up the phone and call her, but I can't. I still call her cell phone voice mail to hear her voice. What am I going to do now? I love my mom so much and now she's gone. I just want her back, but I know I can't have her back. I can't even live in my house anymore. It's just too hard. She passed away at home, where she wanted to be. Its just hard now to walk in there and know shes not there. I miss my mom. God, I really do. I'm very happy that she waited until my birthday, so she could spend a little bit of it with me. But I miss her. I still cry myself to sleep at night because i can't be at my house with her. I just want all this pain to go away. I took care of her and helped her and I really thought she was going to get better. This is all too much for a 19year old to handle. First, my great uncle on January 10th, then my grandma on January 23rd, and then the most important person in my life, my mommy on March 9th, my birthday. I don't really know how I should look at that. But I miss my mom. I really want to talk to her again. I know I can't, and I know shes with me all the time, but I miss her..She's always in my heart though..and I know nothing will ever change that, and I know there wont be a day that goes by that i dont think of her. Hopefully, I'll adjust in time and it wont hurt so bad. But for now...I'm holding on to every memory in my heart...

I know you're gone, but I still feel you here...

(2 silent screams | whisper my name)

04:18pm 15/03/2005
  Well, six days ago, my mom passed away. On my birthday...Yeah, my mom...everything I've ever had in my life..I just lost her. Yesterday was her funeral. It was the hardest day I've ever had to go through. I dont know what else to do anymore. I have nothing else in this whole world. If you need to get a hold of me, I'm no longer living at home. If you really need to get a hold of me, I'm staying at my aunts...call my house and ask my sister for the number...god..I miss my mom...:'(

Penny Sue McGraw July 13, 1962 - March 9, 2005

(2 silent screams | whisper my name)

11:45pm 18/02/2005
  Me and eric got into a huge fight today. and its weird, because today was the first time that i actually felt like it was over between me and him. I love that boy so damn much, it drives me crazy. I never thought I would love anyone this much. I never thought I would want to be with someone as much as I want to be with him. I love him more than life and its killing me because I feel like hes letting go. I know hes not, but thats just how i feel. We were doing so good and now..this...and I don't want to let go of him, but maybe he'll be happier. I love him so much and i wish he would realize that. I think he got it today, when I told him that I hated him and I didnt want to be with him, and everytime I said that, he just begged me not to leave him, but today, he asked for his grandmas ring back. I never thought he would say that. I guess its just the time to let go. I don't want to and he tells me he doesnt want me to, but I feel like maybe I should. I love him so much..and I think everyone knows that. But almost 4 years is a really long time. yeah we've had our problems and yeah we've had our fights, but I never thought it would end. I don't want it to end, but I think this time it might. I just love him..and I wish he knew it and realized it...god I love that boy..I just wish things were fine between us again...

I love you eric david danko...i love you forever...8.24.01

(1 silent scream | whisper my name)

11:39am 18/02/2005
  I look at myself right now, and I realize im not the person I wanted to be 3 years ago. I'm going to be 19 years old in 3 weeks, and Im still not a highschool graduate. I wanted to be in college right now, I wanted to be attempting my writing career right now. But instead, I'm not even done with highschool. I feel like such a failure, and I feel like I've let my mom done a lot, I know I let my grandma done, and she didn't even live to see me graduate. I am so dissapointed in myself. I've never felt like this, and now when I sit down and think about it, I realize, that I am indeed a failure when it comes to my life. Right now, my life consists of school and taking care of my mom. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that I need a little bit more time to myself. I feel this extreme emotional displacement right now. I don't know what to say to anyone anymore when they ask how I am. I feel like screaming and saying IM NOT OKAY. Because im not. I'm just a little weird right now. I don't know how to act around people anymore. So much has happened in the last few months, that I can't even stand it anymore. I wish something good would happen, so the people in my family can finally be happy, so I can finally be happy. Its hard to be happy when everything around you is falling apart right in front of your eyes. My family doesnt act like they used to, its all about them now. It was never like that before. No one really comes to see my mom, and shes home now, not in a hospital in detroit. I just want people to see her, because I see her everyday, and I see how unhappy she is right now. She wants her sisters and brothers around her, but they can't take the time to see her, and it breaks my heart when she asks who came over and I have to say no one. I see the pain in her eyes, because I feel it in my heart. My mom is dying and it seems no one in our family cares. I can understand why my aunt Doris is never here, shes still taking care of all my grandmas finacal stuff, but theres no excuse for anyone else. I'm just upset. I hate it...UGH...

other than that, I miss my friends...so if you wanna stop by anytime, you can, but I'm not allowed to leave until after 10pm. So yeah...

She wants someone to ease her pain...

(2 silent screams | whisper my name)

10:52pm 24/01/2005
  This is one of the hardest things I'm ever going to say. My grandma died at 7:10 am on Sunday January 23rd. And...I just feel like breaking..so i'm sorry if I dont update for a while...and I'm sorry if I'm not myself for a while..just please try to understand...ive lost half my heart...  

(6 silent screams | whisper my name)

02:34pm 20/01/2005
  I LOVE ERIC DAVID DANKO!!!!!! I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM....You dont even know how much I love him..hes amazing in every way..and I love him sooooo much. <333333333333 He makes me soooooo happy. <333333 I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!! Haha..I really do love him...didnt know that, did you?  

(6 silent screams | whisper my name)

10:03pm 15/01/2005
  Well...everything is just falling apart. I know i've said that before. And I feel like this time..I mean it. My grandma just signed all the papers to not give her life support or to recesitate her. And they are sending my mom home so she can die in the comfort of her home. And I've never been this so out of control. I feel like I've lost everything that was absolutly important to me. I know they aren't gone yet, but I have lost everything. I feel like theres nothing left for me to do. I fell like I'm nothing now. I know thats not true, but why do I feel like that then? I'm not alright. I've done nothing but cry. Amelia came over today and attempted to teach me to knit, but my mind was somewhere else. I kinda feel bad because I wasn't really all that talkative, and usually when me and Amelia get together, we don't stop talking. We went to Hometown buffet and ate with my sister. It was good to be spending time with my sister and Amelia. It made me feel a little better. I just feel like theres too much going on for me to control and usually I control situations pretty well.

I know no matter what, I have my friends beside me through everything. And they love me no matter what I do. And I love them. <33

You know what? I'm really happy I have the friends I have. Because they are so wonderful. They really listen, without critizing and without saying what I want to hear, but saying what is needed to be said. They tell me the truth and I'm greatful to them for that. <3

What would you say, if I asked you not to go...

(2 silent screams | whisper my name)

02:27pm 13/01/2005
  I seriously feel like a horrible person right now..UGH..someone shoot me..please?  

(3 silent screams | whisper my name)

09:14pm 08/01/2005
  Yeah..so...My life is falling apart in front of my eyes...Everyone keeps telling me that I'll be ok..that my mom will be ok...But I know better..I see her everyday, and I see all the weight she's losing and how she has no hair..and they can't do chemo because of how sick she is. She's fading away right in front of my eyes and theres nothing I can do to stop it..NOTHING..and for the first time in my life, i feel completely helpless when it comes to my mom. Usually I can do something that will make her a little better..but now I can't even make her smile..do you know how bad that hurts? To see your mom laying in a hospital bed, with tubes and ivs and every machine known to man hooked up to her, and knowing that you can't even make her smile or hug her. I would give anything in the world just to hug my mother again. I haven't hugged her in 3 months. It hurts her too bad. And it feels like the only time I'm not crying now, is when I sleep, and even then, I dream about crying. I really don't want to lose my mom. I can't imagine not having her in my life. I haven't had enough time with her. I'm only 18 years old. And now i know just how important my mom really is to me. I know we've fought and I know there are times when I wanted to move out..but now I can't think of anything that would get me to leave her alone like that. I can't seem to find the words to tell her how much I appreciate her and everything she's done to me. Telling her I love her now is hard, because I love her more then anyone else in this world. And she's my inspiration. Shes not just my mom, she's my best friend, and she always has been. She was there when I had no one else. She was there when I really had no real reason to cry, she would just sit there and hold me til I felt better. What am I gonna do at night when I can't sleep and I cant go crawl in her bed and have silly conversations? I never believed I would lose her so soon. I always thought I would have her in my life. And along time ago, I lost faith in God..but lately I have been praying everyday for "Him" to help her..but he hasn't..Theres nothing no one can do..The doctor even said that. They did everything they could..and now..its up to her..if she can fight it and keep living..that would be great..but I don't want her to be in more pain then she has to be. She's my mommy..she don't deserve that...What am I going to do you guys? I've lost everything so far...and I just want it back. I want my mom back. I want her back...WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?!?!?!? Im drowning...

But to all my friends that have listened to me cry..Thank you guys so much..It helps just to know that I can talk to you guys...I love you all very much. Thank you for being by myside. It helps to know that you guys are there. I love you and appriciate it a lot...thank you...<3

(8 silent screams | whisper my name)

09:39pm 16/12/2004
  I don't even know where to start. I haven't been to school since last wednesday. Its so fucked up. Theres so much going on right now and I don't even know how to deal with it. I have spent most of the last couple of days just crying. See..this is what happened...On sunday, I found out that the cancer that my mom has, is terminal, and their best guess is that she has 6-9 months to live. I don't know what to do. My mom has always been my best friend...We've had a lot of problems, but I've always known that no matter what, I could always go to her. What should I do? My moms a strong person. But theres always the complications from chemo and the fact that she only weighs 75lbs. I don't know what to do. And they are doing a surgery on monday that could help her..but also make the cancer spread more then it already had. so its a win/lose situation. I'm so scared. I don't know what its like to have to live without my mom. I've never had to. My mom has always been my mom and dad. I've never had anyone else but her. My life is just crashing right in front of my eyes, and it feels like its an accident that could have been prevented. But it can't. Maybe if I could go back 30 years and make my mom not start smoking..or maybe if I could have convinced her to quit a long time ago..but the thing is..she's still smoking. But my mom is such a strong person..that I have faith that she's going to be ok..but I'm so confused..I just feel like crying all the time...I don't know. I just need to be around some people right now..cuz I'm always home alone..and it sucks...I just don't know...I'm gonna go...I need to lay down...

I turn to you...

(11 silent screams | whisper my name)

Stole from my melissa :)   
09:28am 06/12/2004
  1. reply to this post if you want/need me to publicly tell you how cool you are!
2. watch my journal over the next few days for a post just about you and possibly why I think you rock socks.
3. post these instructions in your journal and give your friends a much needed dose of love and adoration!
4. if you know of someone who could use the lift, go ahead and post in your journal why you think they rock.

(4 silent screams | whisper my name)

08:52am 01/12/2004
  Five Viscodin Chased With A Shot Of Clarity

After all this time of asking questions of trying to find something to quiet
this soul, i'm left alone within my mind into this self-made hell i delve,
it's not as hot as you think, more so dark and cold with no room to breath.
I'm sorry i don't think it's gonna be ok this time my heart has skipped it's
final beat, it's beating me down onto the floor that must mean the pills are
working. The glass isn't half empty this time, i smashed it on the ground a
long long time ago, it shattered when it fell, and i broke to pieces, each
shard's another reason, another way to give up, this skin is so tight that
the air can't reach my brain, there is nothing telling my heart to beat any
faster, to let me scream for help. I will never give up, i will never take
the easy way out. This is life, this is struggle, this is love, this is war.

(4 silent screams | whisper my name)

07:52pm 19/11/2004
  School is going pretty good right now. I like the people there, they are just so open. Some of them get on my nerves, but hey..you have those people everywhere...

My moms back in the hospital..it really sucks..Ive barely got to see her at all the last 2 months. It hurts to see her in the hospital, so I hate going, but I know she needs to see me. My mom is just a wonderful person. I miss her so much. I love her. Shes just so amazing, and I hate seeing her like that. I feel so hopeless...But yeah..

Im gonna go eat people...Im hungry..Ill try and update soon...

Will you love me, tomorrow?

(2 silent screams | whisper my name)

09:09am 08/11/2004
  I know I havent updated in a while, so I figure I should. Theres so much going on in my life right now, that I just don't know what to do or say..to anyone.

I hung out with Megan last night. It was fun. Everytime I'm withher..its fun. Its the 2nd time Ive seen her in the last 2 weeks...Seeing Megan often=Good. I love her to death. Shes honestly my best friend in the whole wide world. She actually listens to what I say and she gives me the advice that I need..not what I want to hear. I love you MEGAN!!! Come back soon!!! <33

Other than that, Im in school right now...Schools going pretty good..but Ive had to miss a lot of it, since my moms been in and out of the hospital.. I don't know though. Everyone in my life is wonderful right now, and I'm so happy for it...<33

My heartaches for your love....

(14 silent screams | whisper my name)

07:39pm 28/10/2004

omg..shane was like one of my very best friends in 9th and 10th grade..i think my heart just shattered...

(2 silent screams | whisper my name)

06:13pm 11/10/2004
  Yeah so..Im pretty happy..and I know people are probably sick of hearing it. But what can I say? I haven't been this happy in a long ass time. Its like everyday is something spectacular...He makes me so happy it hurts. He..he's just amazing. He makes me so happy. He makes up for all the bad shit in my life. He just understands what Im going through. And hes there when he can't help..he helps by just being there for me, and listening to me bitch. He keeps me up at night..just talking. We don't have to do anything sexual to make our relationship complete. Its like..we fit so well together. He knows how i feel before I say it. He knows when Im mad at him and does anything in the world he can to make up for it. He does piss me off...but thats expected. I love being with that boy..hes just so wonderful..ok..Ill shut up now...I'll leave you with some wonderful lyrics...

Coal Chamber: Untrue

Where have you been? i've been here. waiting anticipating, coping with tears.
Where have you been?
You've been untrue, i've seen it before and i see it again. its quite clear now
Your phone rang all night. i wanited here. waiting anticipating, coping with fear.
Where have you been?
You've been untrue. i've seen it before and i see it again
You can't stop me you know who i am. this justifies now just what i am.
You crucify me won't lay by my side.
And now you'll need me until i die. guess what i'm dead
You've been untrue. i've seen it before and i see it again
You can't stop me you know who i am. this justifies now just what i am.
You crucify me won't lay by my side.
And now you'll need me until i die. guess what i'm dead

(8 silent screams | whisper my name)

02:16pm 06/10/2004
  BOYS SUCK I HATE THEM ALL...=( Boys are dumb and they should be put under ground and used for mating purposes only!!! SO ALL THE GUYS THAT READ THIS..YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!

I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(1 silent scream | whisper my name)