Bleeding Mascara (paincausedscars) wrote,
Bleeding Mascara

I look at myself right now, and I realize im not the person I wanted to be 3 years ago. I'm going to be 19 years old in 3 weeks, and Im still not a highschool graduate. I wanted to be in college right now, I wanted to be attempting my writing career right now. But instead, I'm not even done with highschool. I feel like such a failure, and I feel like I've let my mom done a lot, I know I let my grandma done, and she didn't even live to see me graduate. I am so dissapointed in myself. I've never felt like this, and now when I sit down and think about it, I realize, that I am indeed a failure when it comes to my life. Right now, my life consists of school and taking care of my mom. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that I need a little bit more time to myself. I feel this extreme emotional displacement right now. I don't know what to say to anyone anymore when they ask how I am. I feel like screaming and saying IM NOT OKAY. Because im not. I'm just a little weird right now. I don't know how to act around people anymore. So much has happened in the last few months, that I can't even stand it anymore. I wish something good would happen, so the people in my family can finally be happy, so I can finally be happy. Its hard to be happy when everything around you is falling apart right in front of your eyes. My family doesnt act like they used to, its all about them now. It was never like that before. No one really comes to see my mom, and shes home now, not in a hospital in detroit. I just want people to see her, because I see her everyday, and I see how unhappy she is right now. She wants her sisters and brothers around her, but they can't take the time to see her, and it breaks my heart when she asks who came over and I have to say no one. I see the pain in her eyes, because I feel it in my heart. My mom is dying and it seems no one in our family cares. I can understand why my aunt Doris is never here, shes still taking care of all my grandmas finacal stuff, but theres no excuse for anyone else. I'm just upset. I hate it...UGH...

other than that, I miss my if you wanna stop by anytime, you can, but I'm not allowed to leave until after 10pm. So yeah...

She wants someone to ease her pain...
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