Bleeding Mascara (paincausedscars) wrote,
Bleeding Mascara
paincausedscars

Yeah..so...My life is falling apart in front of my eyes...Everyone keeps telling me that I'll be ok..that my mom will be ok...But I know better..I see her everyday, and I see all the weight she's losing and how she has no hair..and they can't do chemo because of how sick she is. She's fading away right in front of my eyes and theres nothing I can do to stop it..NOTHING..and for the first time in my life, i feel completely helpless when it comes to my mom. Usually I can do something that will make her a little better..but now I can't even make her smile..do you know how bad that hurts? To see your mom laying in a hospital bed, with tubes and ivs and every machine known to man hooked up to her, and knowing that you can't even make her smile or hug her. I would give anything in the world just to hug my mother again. I haven't hugged her in 3 months. It hurts her too bad. And it feels like the only time I'm not crying now, is when I sleep, and even then, I dream about crying. I really don't want to lose my mom. I can't imagine not having her in my life. I haven't had enough time with her. I'm only 18 years old. And now i know just how important my mom really is to me. I know we've fought and I know there are times when I wanted to move out..but now I can't think of anything that would get me to leave her alone like that. I can't seem to find the words to tell her how much I appreciate her and everything she's done to me. Telling her I love her now is hard, because I love her more then anyone else in this world. And she's my inspiration. Shes not just my mom, she's my best friend, and she always has been. She was there when I had no one else. She was there when I really had no real reason to cry, she would just sit there and hold me til I felt better. What am I gonna do at night when I can't sleep and I cant go crawl in her bed and have silly conversations? I never believed I would lose her so soon. I always thought I would have her in my life. And along time ago, I lost faith in God..but lately I have been praying everyday for "Him" to help her..but he hasn't..Theres nothing no one can do..The doctor even said that. They did everything they could..and now..its up to her..if she can fight it and keep living..that would be great..but I don't want her to be in more pain then she has to be. She's my mommy..she don't deserve that...What am I going to do you guys? I've lost everything so far...and I just want it back. I want my mom back. I want her back...WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?!?!?!? Im drowning...

But to all my friends that have listened to me cry..Thank you guys so much..It helps just to know that I can talk to you guys...I love you all very much. Thank you for being by myside. It helps to know that you guys are there. I love you and appriciate it a lot...thank you...<3
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